Friday, October 9, 2015

Pieces - The Year Unfolded

The Year Unfolds

So this year being what it has, I haven’t been too apt to write, to express any of the emotions I have felt. I’ve felt drained, felt used and just in a dark space. I am taking the time in which I cannot sleep to possibly write to get this off my chest. I’ll start from where I feel all this started to unfold, the end of 2014.

In the month of December, Christmas eve I had gone to work as any other day. It was actually a day I had prepared to enjoy. That enjoyment was swiftly taken south when attending to a task at work. I had cut my finger, well sliced it almost off. Usually I would have dealt with this in a better light but my heart was worried… I had known that the past months were hard on my mother… that she was not well and I had to be sure to get to Niagara to attend Christmas. While rushing to the hospital my coworkers had placed me in a cab, alone while bleeding out. As a first aid trainee I know that this was highly unprofessional and incorrect to do. I remember placing my head between my legs looking at my finger bleed out… then I don’t remember anything but walking up to the emergency with a stranger helping me to the triage nurse… this was uncanny to my thought but at least I was making it to the hospital. While going through triage they asked lots of questions in which I was able to answer most… they rushed me to a room, while I was in tears trying to collect myself all I could think was I need to get home to my mother this eve. In trying to collect my plans, I had called my previous partner whom then replied he would come later in the day to assist me. I was quite upset as one would be but thought this was nothing I can change, I’m in the hospital and not moving and can’t really type or call anyone in my state… I sat in that room alone until a nurse came to remove my ring that had gotten caught and assisted in slicing my finger. I remember that this ring was a symbol to me. A piece of my independence that now I see was taken away due to an injury (or a higher power). This was the start of my change in the city that had once brought me so much to then take so much out of me in a year (though I still will call Toronto home, and will return). This is when I noticed the chain of events to unfold my life.

Moving forward from the beginning to where all the broken pieces lay.

As most of you know, or if you hadn’t known will learn, my mother was the one whom I was closest to in my family, in my life and in my heart. No matter how many changes I had gone through I was able to always talk to her about them, ask for advice and listen with an open heart. She had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in late summer of 2014. That in its own was a shock to our whole family, though we did keep this between the immediate family due to her request. My mother was a fighter, and she gained strength in her time alone in how she coped with this disease, for which I give her credit as alone I feel I would go insane. She succumbed to the disease on June 20th 2015, a sunny beautiful day at peace in her home. I had come down for my regular visit, had helped dad with the gutters and was even on the roof that morning. It was a day in which she finally was ready to leave this world to go on to happier, healthier existence.  I remember that 2 days prior I had come for a visit, she hadn’t been speaking much for weeks prior though on that Wednesday she was vocal. It was a workday so I had to leave mid eve, for which when I left she gave me a hug, held me close. I told her I loved her, she said “I love you more” as she always did when I spoke with her. That will be the thing I remember her fondly of, how no matter how she felt, or how angry she may had been in the past years, she always loved me more.  In that day I lost a piece of my heart in which I cannot fill, no matter how hard I try. She will always be in my mind, heart and soul though I wish that I had more time…

Move forward a month to the day, I had been experiencing problems with my previous partner but I was never one to give up on someone (something my mother taught me). I knew the relationship was on rocks at some points though hadn’t thought how much I hadn’t known, to which I would find out. It was a nice Sunday eve, after spending the day at the beach with friends. We had come home, being a little sun kissed I had sat on the couch and slightly napped off. Upon waking, he had mentioned  wanted to go for drinks with what I thought a complete stranger… which I had a gut instinct that was telling me this is wrong. He went anyway, I had thought about the situation and then it clicked. It made sense as too why he was wanting to do so. He hadn’t felt the same for me as I had him. The relationship was in his eyes more of a friendship (which is part of a relationship). Upon his return he invited said stranger in, and at that point I hadn’t cared much to meet this person whom lived 3 doors down in such a way. I know what I had thought in that moment and just having him there made for an uncomfortable feeling, though he was the one whom sparked the conversation.  While speaking candidly with my partner at the time, we had spoken about our futures, our goals and our views… for which once had been intertwined now to become separate. I had seen inaccuracies within his alibis and it became clear that at times he may not had been so monogamous, for which I had a suspicion. In saying this, he is a Virgo, which in my experience of dealing with Virgos (for which I have many had encounters and family members whom are) flirting is not a trait in which they usually hold, it’s mostly forced for a reason or a purpose. I will say that as an Aries, I have had times in which my demeanor may have been confused for flirtation (where he may have thought I had done the same) though not being the intent at any extend. Should I flirt, you would definitely know that it was the intent.  Leading from the conversation I had always been clear that if something were to happen, to tell me, not hide or lie. Writing this now, I have found out more happened, in which I hadn't been told of. I am not angry anymore as everyone is capable of making mistakes, repeating them though is where I am disappointed as it seems that this year it was a running theme, people leaving me, people not communicating with me correctly to become understood.

In a few months of working within a new position, dealing with a loss of my mother, now to add the man whom I chosen to plan a life with, things were becoming undone. Unsure of a future, unsure of myself, understanding my loss and trying to make sense of what is to come. This was a time of survival, this was a time to place what pieces I had left and make the best of what can move on from. Thankfully during this time I had spoken to someone I had known as an acquaintance, who had recently experienced part of my loss, an artist whom I was able to speak freely with, a pure energy, an outside perspective for which he had helped with, and I am grateful for. The next part was loss that was to affect the little things I had known for more than a decade. This was a loss of my safe haven, my home and all close and dear whom seen me fall from previous failures but rise to new heights. I had promised my mother before her passing to help assist my father, to help make sure he keeps in a good state of mind, health and to help him build his pieces again. Little did I know that when I made this promise, so much was going to be swept from under me in the process? I am stating this as I want to be clear about my choice, it was decided in a different state of mind, where I had more security more that had been planned. I do love my father very much, though putting my mind in its state while down and mixing it with his hadn’t worked well in the past and was the cause for me to find myself in Toronto, in which I did. As that one piece had been taken from my puzzle this was to continue to the last piece I had been proud to attain with a position at a company I had admired to work for in years prior. The last piece to which I held on, tried and had become so drowned and drained by the other pieces to eventually lose the last.

With all these events that have unfolded for the year of 2015, the pieces of my puzzle have come apart. My canvas cleared, my future uncertain and undecided. I am a free agent of the wild world that we call Earth, my soul torn, my body weak and my heart bruised but not broken. I am not sure what can come from here but I will be open to the new puzzle I am to put together.

Thank you for reading, as these parts needed to be let off my chest.

Xoxo Will Xoxo

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